In early November of 2003, I had reached my lowest point and attempted suicide by overdosing on drugs and alcohol; I awoke from a coma about a week later. Unable to move or make noise, I found myself as one sees a newborn baby. I was extremely anorexic and malnourished; I was also very addicted to drugs and alcohol. What strikes me now as no coincidence is this: my family was holding vigil over Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital cafeteria when I came back to life.

My life had completely taken a downward spiral since my days as a glowing college philosophy student. My dream of becoming a professor had been replaced by the hellish torture of alcoholism, drug addiction, and an eating disorder. While in school, I modeled myself after the great philosophers and truly thought the greatest thoughts were derived from the use of some sort of substance. I imagined myself holding council with the greats in absinthe bars across Europe and sharing my brilliant two cents with those around me. As an adolescent, I was an avid athlete and won many scholastic awards; I graduated ahead of my class and the future was in my hands. My addictions had other plans:  a dentist’s daughter, private school and university taught, I often found myself homeless and at the end of my addiction, living to drink and drug. My dreams had been replaced by nightmares and it all came to fruition that bleak November night. No longer could did I care about my mental or physical health; I was physically addicted and drinking to live. How dark it is before the dawn!

Upon overdosing I found myself in a coma on life support; unable to breath on my own, my systems were shutting down. Recently, I found out that one night, they prepared my family for the worst. It is very important for posterity’s sake that one takes into account what atrocious shape I was in, as you may find the later portion of my story rather uplifting. After awakening, my living nightmare began, I had cut off the oxygen supply to my brain and was unable to move or make noise, due to the large holes now in my cerebellum. I wish I could say that was an a-ha moment, an awakening of sorts; sadly it was not. I did not drink, drug, or practice my eating disorder for  three years, as I was physically unable and due to mobility issues had moved back home with my mother (my father committed suicide in 2001). After three years, I was walking with a walker, and ready to live on my own again… so I thought. By 2007, I had destroyed what little progress I had made; I was once again drinking and practicing the eating disorder, only this time I was severely disabled. In the spring, I found myself, once again, in a psych ward. Guardianship was relinquished to my mother; I know not why, but all of a sudden a switch flipped on inside of me and I decided then and there I would “get better”, so to speak.

I remembered the philosophical teachings of Epictetus, how one creates their own circumstances and of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl who claimed that “He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.” I began inpatient hospitalization to nourish my body and uncloud my mind. Once I was well enough, I began working with a nutritionist and attending support groups; I abstained from alcohol and drugs, but faltered with the eating disorder. Honestly, it was difficult to let go of all of my unhealthy habits. Resisting drugs and alcohol, I remained sober for 3.5 years. On December 14th of 2013 I, again, drank; that is an important date for me; that is the day I took my life back. I decided enough is enough and all but wore out my copies of my motivating philosophical books. The next few months found me sober, quitting smoking, halting the eating disorder, becoming vegetarian, and obtaining a gym membership. It’s truly amazing as to the things we can do when we apply ourselves! All this while, I’ve held onto the notion that there is reason for one’s suffering; if anything, it is to share hope with those who may well be fighting their own battles. For the first time in 20 years, I myself began to see hope. I sought refuge in the works of William James and studied Joseph Campbell’s “The Power of Myth”. These works led me to believe there was an immutable sense underlying all; it was not up to me to figure my life out, but I could, indeed, live to show others that hope is for all, not simply the worthy.

In 2014, I was doing so well all around that I set a new goal for myself: to go back to school to be a personal trainer. You must remember that from 2003-2004 I could barely move; so this was a lofty goal. I gained my certification on the first try, joining only 10% of my class; next up, find employment. Believe it or not, I applied at gyms and health and nutrition stores. I secured a position in a health store and took the paratransit bus to work; I remembered stories from my childhood: these helped me overcome adversity. Aesop’s Fables, morals, and abstractions guided me through troubled waters. CS Lewis is another favorite who I studied intensely, not for his religious, but philosophical teachings. I believe now that “Even at night there are stars that shine”.

I have not had an eating disorder or used substances since 2013; neither have I eaten meat or smoked. As I now know, there is meaning in the suffering. Life happens; it is up to us as to its meaning. I know today that I make a choice everyday as to the path my life will take. “I am the captain of my soul; I am the master of my destiny.” Hope is available for everyone; take heart; it is yours if you want it.
















Acts of kindness

“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world.
There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created
in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores
of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will
appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.” –Leo Buscaglia


This world is writhe with choices; kindness and love is a choice not unlike any other. Happiness and sadness both take the same amount of effort on our parts. I can choose to be grateful for what I have… or I can wallow in misery. I have reasons beyond belief to feel sorry for myself, but what good would that do? The past is behind me. I can place blame or I can take responsibility for my present actions. I cannot control the actions of others. Seriously… I can’t even control my cats! I have no power over what is said or done to me, but I can, indeed, choose how I interpret such things. I am indeed blessed to have people surrounding me who deeply love me, unconditionally. Those who do not know me judge me based on my history and appearance; it does not affect me unless I let it. Generally speaking, a kind word or a smile tends to soften such pre-conceived notions. It is relatively funny to see someone with a walker holding the door for someone with a wheelchair. If all you can manage is to tell someone you love them today; do it. The world could use it!

Simple things

So often we complicate life and ignore things in their purest and most simple element. Laughter, happiness, the ability to physically function, freedom, air, etc.  Simple things that are, indeed, largely taken for granted. As a handicapped woman living on her own, I highly value my freedom from bondage and respect simple things, such as owning a walker and handicapped bars. I also am enamored with the love I have in my life. It’s the simple things; we compound our lives with judgments surrounding appearances, gossip, and hate and fail to look beyond at the purity of what “it” actually is. I have found in my life that there is much joy in the simple things and much heartache in the complex. Putting one foot in front of the other and facing troubles and naysayers with bravery has become my “go to”. I am not brave by nature; this is a learned behavior I have cultivated primarily by being grateful for the simple joys and pleasures in my life. I have faced death, disability, multiple mental disorders, etc. in my past; if I did not remain optimistic and hold onto little joys, my head would surely explode. Love and happiness, these are the things I cling to these days; in the face of adversity, I have love and joy and no one can take that away from me. Life has ups and downs, twists and turns; with the good there is bad and with the bad good, but optimism can remain constant, despite. I have a health complication, with which I am currently dealing, but I also have tremendous love in my life; bad and good can simultaneously exist. It is vital that we break things down as basic as we can get them; a lifetime of judgements and layers compound our vantage points.  Once upon a time, we were free this hate and condemnation that so often sways our judgments and controls our lives today. Hate of others and not forgiving past misdeeds are often poisoning to the soul and can eat at the psyche like a cancer. This includes not forgiving oneself and complicating life with “if only”. You can’t change the past and ruminating on it can drive you insane. It’s putting one foot in front of the other, facing obstacles with bravery, focusing on the simple things, and remaining optimistic.


Judgements are a pervasive part of society: not attractive enough, too fat, to thin, handicapped, scars, mentally ill, etc. These things can wreak havoc on the psyche if taken to heart; I know this well. As a female with blonde hair, having had anorexia, and now a disability; trust that I have been privy to such things. Those who would condemn others are obviously not secure with themselves or they would find no need to insult and belittle others. A litmus test before speaking:  is it loving, kind, and necessary? If the answer is no, best to not exude that energy. Conversely, if others sit in judgment of you, realize it is their baggage, not yours. Again people that would judge are wholly insecure, for they would otherwise find no need to point out other’s flaws and imperfections. There are cruel people everywhere; misery loves company; these words do not hold weight without explicit permission.


“Judge lest not ye be judged.” Word to humanity, every form of life is just as valid as the next. Just because a person may not be a prime specimen does not mean they should be treated with less value or care as the next person. If an animal is old or disfigured it is not less capable of loving. Often times in society, we only reach out to that which is aestheticallly pleasing, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder,we only see what we can see externally.

Mental:Accomplishments are not always tangible;for example: attitude and perseverance cannot be quantified, but are of the utmost importance. You influence on society is rarely measured, but felt by those around you.

Physical: If you are ailing in one part of your physical self, don’t let other areas go unattended. The body performs MANY different functions and each effects the other.

Social: Give of yourself to the world,do not be so quick to evaluate certain people or situations not worthy.  You will reap what you sow,let it be positive

love yourself


So I look and feel horrible, I have a sore throat and congestion; I do not have the brainpower to write much. I did, however,feel obligated (to women particularly) to show how I look this morning; sick,disheveled,no make-up. On social media in particular,people pick and choose images of them at their best. This causes their peers to feel a false sense of inadequacy at not living up to certain standards. People feel like others always look perfect and are always having fun; realize this is only what most people let you see, you rarely see imperfections.

This is me just now! on left and better on right. Both me. Sometimes people don’t look their best. It’s ok!

me badme