15 years

It is no secret that my days 15 years ago were comprised of needles, vodka, knives, blood, vomit, powder, pills, and self-destructive behavior. It is all a blur, but I know that sometime soon (15 years ago) I almost died and became handicapable. As I reflect on my life tonight, I can honestly say I’d change nothing. Indeed, I am supremely happy with my life. No, I don’t have a great deal of material possessions, but  I am supremely content within; something I lacked for much of my life. If I tell you something it is this: you’re alive; if anything be grateful for that. We so often chase that which is elusive; feel inadequate and never enough. You ARE enough! Don’t sell yourself short 🙂 To my friends struggling: you are not broken; maybe scratched, but you’re worth  salvaging! I am not special; if I can come from THAT, trust that ANYONE can! Whatever you do, believe and have faith that anything is possible!



When you think about it, life is pretty damn beautiful. I am no stranger to chaos and death; amidst it, there remains beauty. I have been thinking recently of the incongruity and chaos of the world around me; it is still marvelous and good. Think of the yin-yang; in everything good, there is bad. In the bad can be found good. Everything has a complimentary opposite; this completes it and makes it whole. Without suffering and pain, there would be no good; so it is. Life just is; how we choose to view it is just that: a choice. Those who know my life story are well aware that I speak as someone who has suffered tremendous pain and loss; I do not deny ANYONE’S pain. Pain is pain is pain; I have repercussions that affect me to this day, and will affect everyone around me. I am aware; however, I cannot use my pain as an excuse to feel sorry for myself. I absolutely do NOT. Believe there are so many reasons to feel bad, but feelings aren’t FACT and I know MINE attempt to make me sit on my pity-pot. I attempt to remain grateful for that which I have, rather than ruminate on that which I lack. Even if there is only one thing for which to be grateful, it is SOMETHING. Yes, life in its chaos is beautiful!

I am fine! Life just got away from me; I have been busy adulting. I belong to an organization that requires MUCH of my time and effort, and have been writing for them; I simply haven’t had the energy to write for my own blog! As adults, we are often tasked with things which we don’t necessarily enjoy, but are the right thing to do. I am beyond fortunate; I enjoy EVERYTHING I do. Even cleaning cat poop is a joy for me; when you have a grateful heart, even the mundane becomes wonderful. Cleaning cat poop means my cats are healthy and I HAVE cats. Waking up super early means I got enough sleep the day before; attending things I’m supposed to and participating makes me a productive person and not because I HAVE TO but because I WANT to. These days, I only surround myself with and participate in things that bring joy to and enrich my life; I have spent much time simply going through the throes of life; working to make ends meet, having relationships and friendships expected of me (luckily, I have also had some WONDERFUL friendships built on love), and feeling deep shame for not being and doing that which I felt was expected of me. Today, I can truly that these are things of the past. I challenge all of you to break your chains and step out of your boxes; to truly enjoy your life and be grateful for what you do have, even if it is not much. There is absolutely plethora of things to be grateful for; simply pause and count your blessings 🙂


Gratitude is often a subject which draws ire and disillusion from the masses , but cannot, however, be argued against. When one is brimming with gratitude, they often find less room for resentment and complacency. Often, when we find ourselves in a troublesome situation, our sense of this is lessened and we may find ourselves sitting on the “pity pot”, so to speak. It can be argued retaining a sense of gratitude keeps us hopeful and assists in maintaining an optimistic outlook on life. Things I have: cats, hot water, a bed, somewhere to live, love, etc; I could increase this list indefinitely. Life is not perfect; I do not have the ability to garner everything I want, but I have everything I NEED. My life overflows with abundance; not with “things”, but from within. As I’ve stated, I am no stranger to worldly woes and they are not able to be ignored; death, abuse, judgments, condemnation, etc. One can make peace with these odds; not allowing them to infiltrate the psyche. With a sense of gratitude for what is, rather than what is not, I find a sense of joy and serenity in life.